Beware the hooks!
The irony of these hooks is that they don’t seem to align with an attention deficit at all, quite the opposite. I might argue that “attention deficit” is really what it looks like to somebody who has noticed but not accepted they are boring me to tears.
Spongebob: Ep. Hooky
How many other people with AuDHD or ADHD have felt themselves unable to let go of a stream of thought? It happens to me frequently. I feel like a dog with a chew toy, I just cannot let go, even after a good mangling.
I never even realized this is what I was doing until I’d been “consistently” on my meds. At this point, I have to conclude my academic curiosities and my enjoyment of a good critique or debate are a result of these hooks that just won’t let go of a topic. The irony of these hooks is that they don’t seem to align with an attention deficit at all, quite the opposite. I might argue that “attention deficit” is really what it looks like to somebody who has noticed but not accepted they are boring me to tears.
The upside to these naturally occurring hooks is that I can get quite deep into some interesting topics and experience the satisfaction gained from new perspectives and a deeper conceptual understanding. However, the downside is no joke. These hooks can get into streams of thought that are not productive, fed and exacerbated by anxiety and depression. Those with AuDHD and ADHD have often been noted to have a creative bent, due to lateral thinking and an intimidating imagination, but if that machinery is hijacked by anxiety, my mind is then in that place for the foreseeable future.
Before I was diagnosed, I always used to say things like, “I have a lot on my mind,” or, “I wish I had an off button” when talking about the difficulty of quieting my thoughts towards the end of a day. I don’t know how many times I have tried to guide a thought process to a natural full stop with the hopes of freeing my mind from this burden, but it never seems to work. Given that often what I am doing is trying to make predictions and come up with contingency plans for different eventualities, I can sometimes accept that I simply cannot know and therefore should put the thought process on hold until I know more. I can also accept that my mind likes to spear ideas with hooks, reminding me that this is in my nature, which can perhaps help keep the emotional response in check (if my alexithymia hasn’t blinded me completely). So far, though, the best solution seems to be distraction – spear something else.
I have also noticed my hooks can be sensitive to communications from others, which result in something being said (written), and I’m unable to gauge meaning or intention (the Au in AuDHD). My response, and I don’t have much say in this, is to sink my hooks into the message and figure out both what it meant and what it means in the context of understanding my future. I usually have to remind myself that I am going to over-think it, there might not be much meaning or intent, and even if there is, it’s just one opinion. Although, to save myself from any mental acrobatics that might ruin my evening, I tend to avoid communications towards the end of the day and tackle them in the morning – I know avoidance isn’t a great solution, but I’m still waiting for the day when everyone gets their communication out the way in the morning, so they can then shut up for the rest of the day.