Seeking a mental health diagnosis in your 40s

To be diagnosed later in life with something that has been with you since childhood is a strange feeling.

I was always the kid with asthma, meaning I had bright and shiny inhalers in my pocket. Other kids would recognize that that was my difference, but I got used to it, and assumed as a young child that was the only medical condition that would ever define me. The novelty of having inhalers soon wore off, however, and I was left annoyed that all having asthma really meant was putting restrictions on me that other kids didn’t have to endure. Many years later, because I’m a special kind of idiot, I was determined to smoke to reclaim some autonomy and put my finger up at the world for always telling me what to do.

The teens also saw the arrival of a new nemesis.

Cystic acne. I never knew the name for this at the time, only the mortifying feeling of waking up with massive painful swellings on my face or chest and knowing that it would draw attention to me in public spaces and I was going to be stuck with these swellings for at least a few weeks (which is about a year in teenager time).

Fortunately, as I stepped boldly but naively into adulthood, the severity of my asthma decreased, and the acne, slowly but surely decided not to come back. But there was something else there that refused to budge.

Depression, anxiety, and meltdowns from being sensorily overwhelmed had been there since my early teens and seemed to be getting worse. I naturally assumed they were a part of adolescence and it never occurred to me that the difficulties I was having in school were due to (at least one) mental health challenge. The extreme fatigue, the problems I had focusing, the need for solitude and sensory deprivation, and how rooms full of other students and teachers always felt too much. I came to believe that I just sucked at life and it didn’t matter how hard I tried, things just never seemed to get better.

My first year in college was one of the lowest of my life.

I would find myself awake at 3am in such agony at my own existence. Nothing I seemed to do mattered and it seemed to be well beyond my own ability to fix myself. It might have been a sign of the times, but it never even occurred to me that I might have mental health issues. I hated what I was studying, I hated that I could not seem to connect with anyone, I hated myself for feeling the suffocating depression that I was convinced clung to me like a wet blanket precisely because I was too useless to rescue myself.

Eventually, my experiences at college did come to my aid.

I took it upon myself to change subjects and I fell in love with the act of learning. There is always something to learn and learning itself is an act of transition, giving you more and more access to conceptual worlds that previously would have remained boring and unengaging. I decided to learn to write and moved into a more essay-oriented field, and I now got to read about so many amazing people that influenced the world in unique and captivating ways. Finally, learning and seeking new experiences picked me up and gave me a fighting chance.

Fast forward through a history of many jobs, neglected responsibilities, a lengthened stay in academia, and an accumulating arsenal of coping mechanisms and I arrived in my forties, committed to a diagnostic evaluation for ADHD.

Anyone who has been through this will appreciate the irony of this assessment. You are asked about your ability to sit still, focus, and complete lengthy but boring administrative tasks, while it is incumbent upon you to sit still, focus, and complete a lengthy but boring administrative task. Indeed, the required activity and not the actual assessment itself feels like the actual test.

Still, the task was completed, I was interviewed by a charming psychologist, and a week later a report confirmed what I had perhaps known all along. Yet there is a peace in no longer needing to doubt myself. The “off button” I crave for overactive thoughts could at least now be applied to understanding this facet of my mental health. The explanatory power of a mental health diagnosis is also profound. I have numerous memories of difficult or painful times, which I had not been able to understand. There are times I could not understand why I felt so bad or why certain people had become inexplicably annoyed or angry with me.

Before I was diagnosed, it was common for me to use certain metaphors to describe my experience. For example, when I felt overwhelmed, it felt like my mind had been unrolled and stuck on a spike. Or after a busy meeting with quite a few attendants, it felt like my mind was a smoldering ash heap. The acts of reading and writing have always been soothing for me, because working through sentences makes me feel like my mind is being stitched back together. This next metaphor is a bit labored, but nonetheless true – joining a meeting, asserting myself into the conversation and recruiting my voice to contribute feels like running from the back of an aircraft hangar while I’m tethered to a piece of bungee cord trying to get out through the main door to join the storm outside.

If you have not been diagnosed, and describing your life using these kinds of metaphors has been common, it may very well be something to pursue.

Under the light of my diagnosis, these memories have now started to lose their sting and even though moving forward is not always easy, I at least can do it with greater understanding.

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